A/N: Quite obviously, it doesn't help that my online gaming connection has been experiencing one day's worth of DDoS assault. For today, no less.
A loner and a lone wolf
Sometimes, I can't help but wonder whether I'm the only one capable of creating a mentally unhinged character. When I put things this way, I'm not referring to any third person portrayal of such character. I'm referring to either the first person or second person POV. On the first glance, it's very easy to humanise a mentally unsound character. That is until you realise how difficult it is to see reality via such a person's lens. The reason behind this? You're actually mentally normal while that character is not.
A small part of my childhood comprised of Gummy Bears, Ewoks, and Darkwing Dark (in fact, I still remember waking up around 9 am sharp just to watch that one). A large part was just trauma. I didn't know how to interact with people without rubbing them off, no one pointed out that I needed help. At best, I was ignored. At worst, I was ridiculed as... well, siao. As if that's not enough, I was subjected to physical and verbal bullying. Once I was character assassinated by a self-righteous bully. And yes, you've guessed it. He was indeed a bully before he decided to play the pharisee during that time where I was involved in a science project with another classmate.
The physical abuse was more evident during my secondary school days while the verbal abuse was more common during my ITE days. No one understood the hell I've been suffering. Not even my family or churchmates. This is due to the inability to phrase my words properly before them. I don't know what to say because my mind would always go blank. To them, I was only that useless fellow (for the lack of better expression of course). When I first derived joy from writing, my father sneered at me by asking me whether I could earn a living by writing. Imagine how bad it was back then.
Initially, I enjoyed writing the standard epic heroic fantasy fare. This was due to works like the Belgariad and Malloreon, Lord of the Rings, and the Drizzt Do'Urden saga. However, there's a problem. Some members of my family (read: relatives) harboured a legalistic view on the fantasy genre. As a result, I became the victim. From that particular day onward, I had to live in fear and insecurity. The environment of my first church starting from 2000 felt stifling. It was the same legalistic environment I had to endure before. Thankfully, my current church feels nothing like that. Period.
When I first started writing A Ranger's Tale (i.e. the current A Requiem From Winter Past), the experience was quite rough. I first uploaded my works on Fictionpress (not just this one, but also some others before it), I hoped to get reviews. The nice ones, mind you. After all, you don't expect strangers to know you if not even your own family can understand you. Some of the reviews were the ones I craved, some others not so. Yes, critique hurts more oft than not. We all know that. It's part and parcel of growing up. Thanks to Fictionpress, I actually discovered that I do have a certain standard in judging other people's works. Just because I wanted recognition doesn't make me a spineless squid.
Ironically, some of the reviewers just enjoyed dishing out criticism. In other words, their defensive attitude towards my questions asked ended up going a long way in forming an independent mind in yours truly. I didn't notice it back then, but it seems truly the case when I looked back at those years. Then there were those who ignored me because I did something stupid. It's called hounding them for reviews. Yes, that's a very bad thing to do. I won't say stupid because that'd sound like downplaying the severity. However, I really didn't know the unspoken rules of etiquette. I was only desperate for attention (i.e. reviews). At the same time, I got myself into trouble because either I was being verbally insensitive or the other party was being a jerk. Sometimes both added together.
There was one who sounded nothing less than a troublemaker who thinks it's only right to repay a goodwill review with nastiness. Then there's one who went like "oh I don't want to sound like an asshole, but no one cares about what you do" (ironically, such a statement means you're making yourself out to be one). Then there's another who claimed to be a Christian, yet making false accusations against me (There's a difference between being stupid and being a bigot, it's called intention).
Ultimately, I doubt I would mind if they sent me a PM pointing out what I did wrong. Problem was, everything was being done without any first warning.
Ultimately, I doubt I would mind if they sent me a PM pointing out what I did wrong. Problem was, everything was being done without any first warning.
Also, I have to admit hypocrisy is the one thing (if not one of the few) I hate the most.
Perhaps I'm truly emotionally broken beyond repair. Who knows?
However, it must be stated that my reason for ditching Fictionpress wasn't down to negative people and negative experiences. There were nice people there, I'm sure there still are right now. I didn't want to burn up too much of my time over replying to reviews and returning the favour. If I have to do the latter via a one-liner, I'm not sorry to say I'm not gonna do it. My way of doing things is very simple: If I want to get something done (especially on a self-volition basis), it means I'll have to put in at least 70% effort, if not 100% altogether. On one hand, I need to respect myself. On the other end, I need to respect others in my own way.
An extension to A Requiem From Winter Past
When I first wrote the original draft, it was extremely childish. There was nothing in depth, nothing of lasting value plot wise. Thankfully, I never made it past the first 10 chapters or so. That'd be disastrous.
Because of my personal experiences with people and reality, I actually realised I've created a worl no different from what was written in the Bible concerning the generation of Noah in the Book of Genesis. And I was like "hmmm... interesting... what if I can build up from there?" I'm pretty sure it's a case of coincidence so as to speak, but that didn't prevent me to expanding from what I've accidentally created. I recalled coming across a Family Guy's episode. Not in terms of watching, but in terms of the synopsis (since I accidentally came across the series via a stranger's FB profile. And no, I never stalked her, tyvm). That inspired me to create a counter-question. If Christianity is seen as merely a religion without God being factored in, then what would a world without God look like? After all, religion=/=presence of God. History has taught us this much. In order to pose forth such a counter-question, however, there's a need to provoke a reaction. The Crucible is that act of provocation where every individual is a god unto self. In other words, such a mentality would also be deeply linked with religion where no one can be sure who's the boss. Is it religion bossing humanity or is it the other way round? I won't spoil it for on how the Crucible came about in plot, but you're allowed the freedom to hazard a guess or two.
I find creating Aeravor (formerly known as Aeranath, but I prefer Christopher Tolkien taking me in instead of hiring the law firm made famous by my country's government) to be a blast. Initially, I intended on creating a character that resembles Genjo Sanzo of Saiyuki. Totally badass and anti-social, yet having a heart of gold as the plot progresses. But hey, guess what? I got hooked on creating a character much more screwed up that just that. In Dungeons & Dragons speak, it's called chaotic neutral.
It's quite funny seeing more than a fair bit of myself in Aeravor. It's not as if I intended things this way. There are plenty of stuff for me to explore. Hopefully, that is.
Note: I thought Aeranath as a character's name refers to this guy. Apparently, either my memory is too hazy or Mr Christopher Tolkien is more than happy to take me in instead of suing me via Drew & Napier. Nah, must be the former.
On the race, religion, and all the other bs
My vision for A Requiem From Winter Past stays the same: To create a fantasy novel reflecting the questions plaguing humanity. Questions like "is there really no such thing as a god?" and "what is the purpose of life if God isn't real?"
In a twisted sense, I find that humanity cannot imagine a world without God. It's not a matter of whether, but who. Who is God? Is it your religion? Is it yourself? Or is it that person whom you idolise, be the platform a wooden pulpit or Hollywood? If God isn't real, then where does the need for redemption come from? If there's a need for redemption, then is there a universal reason justifying such a notion?
On race, I doubt I'd move away from what I've planned. Namely my very own Malay ethnicity, Tamil race, and East Asian people (note that I say East Asian because I don't want to play the racial OCDP game where Japanese, Koreans, and Chinese are concerned. Not to mention races like Mongolians as well). Also, what is epic fantasy without white people? If there's anything untypical about this typical dark fantasy work, it's the presence of Aeravor as the protagonist (c'mon, you think this is a spoiler? Three chapters and you should have seen this coming). If you still don't get what I'm trying to say, then all I can say is 30th March (and no, I'm not referring to Vincent van Gogh).
On religion, it's the same logic. However, it must be stated that whatever plans involved are directed towards the Holy Quintet faith (basically my own version of this inspired by the medieval church) and the monotheistic religion of the Tamurians (basically my own version of Malay ethnicity for the lack of a better term). On the Cinha ethnicity, I may need to do some fine tuning on their religion and culture.
Currently, I've got an idea concerning the military system of the Kalaran Empire. At the same time, I may need to streamline certain ideas conceived beforehand in this aspect (read: the military system for every nation). On the bounty hunting economy, I'll need to create a believable system since decomposition of body parts is a complication no bounty hunters would want (after all, the best evidence lies in recognising whose head is being tossed). Then we have horses and whether every bounty hunting sellsword is rich enough to maintain one rather than just ownership.
On the sex scenes (now let's not get too excited because I don't intend the erotica aspect to look like this), I really need to keep the whole thing short and succinct. There's no point for me to indulge every sliver of your hormones if all I need is to tell you "look, this is reality and your eyes ain't kidding ya". A Requiem From Winter Past is about what went wrong with humanity (I don't have to spoil this because you all should have known this by now). Therefore, there has to be a gloves-off approach. And to do that, I cannot afford to play the double standard game. If you have a problem with explicit sex scenes, please don't act as if the act of murder is less sinful than the act of rape. Thankfully, I don't do either or both above. If all I need is a paragraph or three (I won't say two because I'm not confident enough) to show, why should I need one whole page to tell?
Because I need to sleep asap (read: it's now going to be 2 am)
Let me just say that I'm no C.S Lewis. I'm not going to play the actor by saying "hey, I'm out to proselytise people!" I respect C.S Lewis and I don't want to get myself into trouble by making use of a well-respected writer of his time. If A Requiem From Winter Past can force you to think, good. Otherwise, it's not going to reduce even one second of my life. If it's time for me to go, it's time for me to go. I'm not about to be equally stupid as Ajax the Lesser.
P.S: One of the potential minefield I may have created for myself lies in the real life blueprint of Alestrial Eliaden. Let me just say that in this matter, I'm also chaotic neutral.
