Countdown 2018 (reporting live from the Kingdom of Procrastinatea)

Just now, I came across an article panning Mediacorp's latest attempt to do a countdown party (not that it's the only time they did that). As a result, I wanted to do something illogical, absurd, and anti-common sense. And because I decided to do a post that is... well, illogical, absurd, and anti-common sense, I'm not gonna spare my sister if she really did attend that countdown party. After all, I'm sure someone will accuse me of making fun of my sister's taste. Not that I care about the typical local Disney fare anyway.

Again, I repeat: This post will be illogical, absurd, and anti-common sense. Because Kuok Minghui says so like Stone Cold and... well, do you think I really care?

A/N: I realised that as a man of creativity, there's always a need to unwind and be... well, crazy. Something like this below.

)0(

Okay... everyone ready? Good. Thanks, Alleycat. Send my regards to uncle Freddycat and auntie Felicat.

Ahem.

Welcome to the coverage of this year's Countdown 2018. As you can see... okay, we're actually past midnight. This is Stevia Sweetleaf reporting from the kingdom of Procrastinatea. As always, the king of this ethereal realm ruling over the fae, dwarves, and every gnomish kid is preparing to throw a countdown party. Well, sorta since it's already that point of time where Cinderella has to go home lest her stepsisters Barbarella and Primadonna start asking damning questions.

What? Wait... are you crazy? Lance, I swear I'm going to kill you for this joke. Why would the king of some hermit forest nation fall in love with me? Shut up, Lance. Or I will kill you like your favourite character who always dies.

Okay... my apologies for this impromptu moment. So now we should be waiting for the king to make a statement. Sadly, we received word that his cat had just accidentally offed his laptop while it was installing the latest Microsoft update patch. As it turned out, he needs to write the latest chapter of his only dark fantasy novel and his cat was actually too smart to be ignored. I really feel sorry for him. I mean the king himself, not his cat. After all, I happen to own a cat as well.

Oh... the screen is now switched on! Wait... what am I seeing here?

Credits

(before the show starts)

Coordinator: Chancellor Salted Fish

Security: General N.G Ryan

List of guests and performers: Chief Negotiator Wifi Lim

Miscellaneous stuff since His Royal Lobo Majesty is too lazy like a bear: Head Steward Bear

"Well, it's the credits roll. Apparently, the king enjoys doing things like a rebel since the world is never kind to him."

Wait... Lance! Alleycat! What in the Sapphire Pavilion of Siloso Beach is going on here? Why are we having an intruder? Is he going to sexually harass me?

Lance: Erm, actually he's not going to do that. I know he looks creepy, but rest assured he's a better guy than those you see in Hollywood.

Alleycat: Yeah, Lance is right. We're trying to... erm, prevent your parents from asking when are you getting a boyfriend.

Alleycat, you want to 气死我 is it? Wait... something's not ri... AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

"Relax, we're not gonna die."

Of course we're not gonna die, you perv!

Unknown humongous creature: Hey boss, High enough for you?

"Yeah, high enough to see the stage. Thanks, Supersolid Snake."

What is going on here? Why are the three of us stuck with this super weird perv?

Supersolid Snake: He ain't a perv. He is His Royal Lobo Majesty! My boss, understand?

Wait, this is a joke, right?

Lance: Erm no. He's the real deal.

Alleycat: The two of you actually met each other during 2012. And to think you're actually asking me back then why he never even glance at your cleavage where in fact every guy would do that.

This is...

"Oh, the party is now starting. Please accept my apology if the party turns out falling short of your standard. I know the average duration of any televised party would be... like two hours or so?"

So why are you doing all this?

"For fun. Oh, it's starting now. Hey, 黑妹. Please make sure nothing happens to your camera, okay? The first act is gonna start anytime soon!"

Alleycat: My name is Alleycat, not 黑妹! And I'm not a Malay, Indian, Hispanic, or even an African!

Lance: Siao... this one fierce man!

Supersolid Snake: I wonder how this would sound if Fei Yu-ching sings this song. I don't care whether that guy is gay or no gay.

Supersolid Snake: Okay, I may have spoken too soon. Make that two songs instead of one. I'm gonna hum this song whenever out on duty against those terrorists.

Lance: You make yourself sound like some kind of big shot.

Supersolid Snake: Please, even N.G Ryan needs to listen to me. He may be the General, but I'm the Head of Stealth Ops. Also, N.G Ryan is actually scared of my chief sniper Boh'Siah for some reason ever since that changing room incident.

Can the two of you stay quiet until this is over?

Lance: Eh? I think I saw Wubai just now.

Supersolid Snake: As a snake of stealth ops and perception, I can assure you that you might have gone a bit 二百五.

Lance: Siao liao... I'm starting to feel really 二百五.

Supersolid Snake: Don't worry. Wubai will be here to shock you back to normal.

Lance: That one really shocked me back to normal.

Supersolid Snake: Reality and Wubai. Best partnership ever. And China Blue as well. You ready something English? And I don't mean the Brits.

Alleycat: HEY!!!!! THAT'S MY FAVE!!!!!!

Supersolid Snake: I wonder whether she knows the NSFW version of this song.

Lance: I swear you're worse than Big Boss.

Supersolid Snake: You know my dad?

Lance: Okay, never mind that.

"Wait, I don't remembering requesting for these two acts especially the second one... Supersolid Snake, I assume you're responsible for this."

Supersolid Snake: Well, I do have my dad's DNA after all. To be a master of stealth ops coordination means to improvise like a boss. Like Big Boss to be exact. And besides, Wifi Lim and N.G Ryan were in this together with me.

Wow... this song is quite unique. I wonder whether that's a reference to your life all the while.

"Maybe. Maybe not."

Hmmm... seems that this song is about a common life shared by Saber and Archer.

"Yep."

"Supersolid Snake..."

Supersolid Snake: Don't worry. I'll take the bullet for this. Together with Wifi Lim and N.G Ryan. I'll make sure of it, trust me.

Years after the countdown in the royal bedroom of Procastinatea...

)0(

I'll just add a few things before ending this insane post.

1. Heracles gone mad is now officially a label used for crazy stuff I do on this blog.

2. Alleycat is a parody of Alley Cat.

3. Supersolid Snake is a parody of Solid Snake of the Metal Gear Solid series. Seriously, you don't need to be Kojima Hideo to know that.

4. Boh'Siah means quiet in Singlish. In other words, this is another parody of Metal Gear Solid, this time round a reference to the real bohsiah girl in the series.

5. The Chinese word 二百五 means crazy.

6. The names in the credits list are actually parodies of real-life people whom I know personally. In other words, either they know the real me or they have never understood me all the while. Either way, I'm used to being a Jon Snow instead of just another wolf in the pack. *shrugs*

7. Any other similarities to real-life people should be seen as a case of pure coincidence. Either that or these people actually know who I am since like... years ago, I guess.